Fear.

Let me tell you about Cancer.

Not the physical stuff. But the mental stuff.

I am in the middle of a ‘scare’. My leg/hip/buttock pain has increased in both severity and frequency and I have now been prescribed maximum dose Tramadol. I have a CT scan booked for next week and waiting for an ‘urgent’ MRI to come through.

When I first bled all those months ago ……. ‘You’re bleeding like a stab victim’ were his exact words. I was concerned obviously, but I wasn’t terrified. That afternoon changed my perspective on my body, probably forever.

I try very hard not to freak out about stuff. But I’m failing badly.

This pain could be a huge number of things.   Just like my bleeding could of been. The difference now is that ‘history of Cancer’ is a big red flag for lots of serious things. It’s a very fine line between researching your illness and turning yourself into a raging hypochondriac.

As always it’s the not knowing that does your head in. And no one knows. I asked my GP ‘could it be bone mets?’ And she said ‘it’s possible’ I asked my Mac nurse ‘what are the chances this is a recurrence?’ She replied ‘it’s impossible to say’

So I just have to wait it out. Wait for the scans, wait for the results.

This little merry go round of ‘stuff’ started on May 13th with my 3 month check up. Since then it’s been pretty full on with appointments, biopsies, results, appointments etc etc. I’m knackered.

I  hate how it takes over my mind even if it’s left my body.

I’ll be over the moon to find out this is a herniated disk or arthritis…….words you’ll only hear from a Cancer survivor.

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