Shopping list.

So here’s the long version. I turned up at hospital with a long list. Written hastily on the back of an envelope. I joked that afterwards I’d leave it in a shopping trolley somewhere for someone to have a story to tell!

Here’s the list.

Hip/leg

Bladder

Perineum

Vagina

Anus

I saw Russ yesterday. I like him. He’s the guy that originally diagnosed me.

So we start at the top of the list. I have an ache in my left hip. It is an ache rather than a pain, and it goes down my leg and into my buttock. Like most things it could be nothing, it could be something.

I told him that I was scared the cancer had come back. If you know me in real life you know I don’t easily admit to being scared. But I am and thought it was about time I said so.

I carried on to my bladder. I have wet myself a few times recently. This always happens in the morning. It seems to be that the motion of going from laying to standing does something inside and I wet myself. During the day,during the night, no problems at all. The other day when I had a lying down nap, and the same thing happened when I stood up. Russ advised me to start self catherterising again to see if this helped. He said that he didn’t think my cancer had returned but would offer me a CT scan to hopefully put my mind at rest.

Next on the list perineum, anus and vagina. ‘I’ll hand those over to you!’ Back in the beloved chair. They have a new coloscope. It has a purer light apparently and is a snip at £8k.

It’s like an episode of the gadget show.

Usual drill, good old look see. Drenched in vinegar, open to the world!

Jane, bless her, says that everyone except Russ has been in the chair. She jokes that maybe he should have a go to see what it feels like. I suggest he should have a go while someone sticks a finger up his arse. Yes. My mouth was on babel mode.

My vagina (STOP changing it to cagina autocorrect.Is a cagina even a thing!!!) has an area of concern. He says he’ll biopsy it. I have to decide if I want local aneasthetic. I’ve had a vaginal biopsy done before and it hurts but it’s a short sharp pain and bearable. So I go for it.

‘Couple of coughs for me Julia’

Didn’t really feel anything. ‘

Have you done it?’

‘Yep, all done’

I look at Jane and say ‘he’s better at it than you’

Next up is my vulva. Us girls especially should know the differences between our vulvas (NOT vulcans!!) and our vaginas. Apparently my vulva looked ‘really good’ One for the bank.

Next the perianal area. More vinegar,but stingy ‘Ah this all looks good……ah, no, there’s a bit here’

He wants to biopsy it.

Tells me it will be far more painful than vaginal one. Do I want local? Injected into my arse? I ask him if he was having one would he just crack on?

Yes, he says.

I now know I should of qualified that answer with the question ‘and have you ever had it done???

Man. Excruciating searing pain as a bite of anus is snipped out if you.

My exclamation? My primal curse?

‘FIDGETY FARTS!!!!!’

Where, oh where did that come from? Back in a week for results etc etc etc. And so it goes on.

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2 thoughts on “Shopping list.

  1. Massive hugs and chocolate cake and a small pink stripey paper sweet bag with sparkly rainbows in. Shit my lovely, I am so sorry you have to go through all of this, it is not good.
    You are an absolutely brilliant writer though.
    I hope that next week the consultant makes you a lovely cup of tea and offers you a selection of cakes and that will be all for the day xxx

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