I’m now getting a bit of an expert on cancer. My vocabulary has increased in the last 6 months and I now know things that I never felt the need to know before. I have dealt with the physical aspects with a bit if a blasé attitude. This isn’t because I don’t care. It’s because I have no control over it. I handed my body over to the experts and they did what they had to do. The alternative to that was to do nothing and let the cancer kill me.

What I can’t hand over is my mind. That resides in my head and has had a fair bit to deal with recently!!! I’ve suffered from depression in the past and I’m quite proud of how I’m doing actually. I know one of the most important things is to get the thoughts out of your head so here goes!

I’m angry and scared. I’m angry with people and myself. I’m scared the cancer is back. I’m scared of what that might mean. I feel totally let down by some people. Someone far wiser than me said that anger is a sign something has to change. I’ve made some fairly fundamental changes of late and will continue to do so. Fear and anger are great motivators.

I think I’m going to have to live with the fear for now.


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