Emotions

I’m now getting a bit of an expert on cancer. My vocabulary has increased in the last 6 months and I now know things that I never felt the need to know before. I have dealt with the physical aspects with a bit if a blasé attitude. This isn’t because I don’t care. It’s because I have no control over it. I handed my body over to the experts and they did what they had to do. The alternative to that was to do nothing and let the cancer kill me.

What I can’t hand over is my mind. That resides in my head and has had a fair bit to deal with recently!!! I’ve suffered from depression in the past and I’m quite proud of how I’m doing actually. I know one of the most important things is to get the thoughts out of your head so here goes!

I’m angry and scared. I’m angry with people and myself. I’m scared the cancer is back. I’m scared of what that might mean. I feel totally let down by some people. Someone far wiser than me said that anger is a sign something has to change. I’ve made some fairly fundamental changes of late and will continue to do so. Fear and anger are great motivators.

I think I’m going to have to live with the fear for now.

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3 month check up.

3 month check up on Friday . Mathematicians amongst us will realise that 5 take away 1 makes 4 not 3 but hey.

Check up consisted of an ultrasound scan externally and internally. Also a visual internal inspection!

Sonographer was lovely. Yet one more person who has had a close up look at my nethers! I had been told previously that Nick had to remove a lot of my vagina. Wasn’t really prepared for how much!! Sonographer measured it for me. There isn’t a lot left!

I learnt that ovaries are the size of an almond (shell on) way smaller than I thought. She could only find one and also found fluid on the scan.

The empty area where all of my reproductive organs were is now called a vault. I find that mildly amusing. Not sure why. My vault looks good as does my now very short vagina.

The fluid is a concern and I have to go back in 6 weeks as opposed to 12 weeks to have it all repeated.

In other news I’ve moved house. I now have a beautiful view to gaze at and neighbours who don’t wish me dead. Got to be a winner.

So Powerful

So Powerful

This poster had me in tears this morning. Very, very powerful. Take note ladies.

I’ve just heard from a friend that her cancer is back.

Take your life with both hands and run with it, anywhere you want to go. We will all be a long time dead.

MRI Result.

Kind of a non result really.

There is definately something on my spine but it is not showing ‘cancerous features’ Basically they don’t know what it is but it doesn’t look dodgy.

Another MRI in 6 months to have another look at it. An appointment with the GP in 5 months and 3 weeks to get some valium!!!

Shame we couldn’t have a put a full stop on that one.

To my South East Asian friend…thank you. Be in touch soon!