Don’t really know where to start.

I am still in shock with what is going on with me. In fact I actually messaged the friend that came to the hospital with me and asked her to actually tell me it was real. She hasn’t replied yet so maybe I will wake up tomorrow and it will all have been a nightmare.

Some of you will know that I have done some counselling training/studying. The old defence mechanisms are out and trying to protect my mind from the full force of the whammy it’s just been dealt. I’m guessing some of those closest to me will be feeling shell shocked too. Sorry guys…couldn’t help it!!


Something else that the closest to me know is that I haven’t drunk alcohol for just over 4 years. Today I have spent the day lazing around eating chocolate, drinking coffee, eating cake, listening to music and smoking fags. While doing that I’ve been processing my head. Letters arrived today from the hospital. Three of the buggers…. It is very slowly sinking in that next week I have the biggest fight I’ve ever had on my hands.

What I know, and what a few of the visitors here know is that I have an alter ego. For the last 5 or 6 years I have been posting on a cutting down/giving up alcohol forum. First as a drunk trying to get sober and now sober supporting and encouraging people who are facing their own turning point. I have posted a link from that forum to here. There is one person who is on both my facebook and that forum and they know who they are.

Going through the photographs today and yesterday it struck me how much alcohol is in them!! There are people in those photographs who I know have battled drug or alcohol addiction and won. There are other people in those photos who have been killed by their addiction. There are other people in those photos who may very well be killed by their addictions in the future….near or far.

Three days after my first doctor’s appointment I was due to have an interview. I was very excited about it. It was a voluntary position with a charity called Turning Point. I’ll post a link at the end. The aim was to work for them as a volunteer to help me change career and become a drug and alcohol counsellor. For obvious reasons I had to cancel that appointment (Well someone fantastic cancelled it for me)

So that’s where I was at. My very closest friends knew that about me. I’m not ashamed about it, I am actually very proud. I have absolutely nothing to hide.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is having a shit time at the moment. She was the one who got the full onslaught of me sobbing petrified down the phone as soon as I walked out of the doctors surgery. All I can remember is her telling me to ‘Calm down’ as I hysterically cried down the phone. Poor cow had her birthday the next day….

She’s been on this, quite frankly, fucking shit journey from the word go. She has had a very, very tough 11 days. Tonight she found out that the man who was a mutual friend of both her and her partner and was in fact the man that introduced them and made that magical relationship happen had died. Suddenly.

I think the more intelligent of my friends will put 2 and 2 together and get a big fat 4.

I am totally lost for what to say about that.




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